The coming of the misspelt Messiah (these week in Monochrome)

The end of  Empire is nigh, there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Well - more like a few pots of tea and the odd G&T as far as my colonial outpost goes. This month we are preparing to climb Everest in tribute to Tenzing and Hilary's achievement sixty years ago. Trouble is: boys these days just don't have the stamina and my expedition leader seems to have got himself detained selling dodgy pieces of hi-tech equipment to a bunch of anally-obsessed surgeons in St Albans. In the event, I had to postpone the expedition and make to with an exhibition of books all about Everest (the mountain, not the double-glazing firm obviously).

Meanwhile things were proceeding as usual in the barracks: the truce with the Catering Corps is holding, but ENSA decided to use the library for one of their gala shows which - as far as I could see - consisted of the (retired Gurkha) commander of the Household Cavalry (aka the Maintenance Team) grabbing the microphone for several hours reciting the well-known performers' mantra known as 'One-Two, One-Two, Two, Twooo, Two-One'. I left before things started to get ugly and they summoned the spirit of Bamber Gascoigne for their annual Club Quiz.

As it's officially Spring, I decided to do some Spring-Cleaning and ordered all troops to present their rifles for inspection. In so doing, I discovered several hundred volumes seem to have made it onto the register (AKA the online catalogue or OPAC) minus their dog-tags. This was owing to a misunderstanding between myself and a Welsh Guardsman whose job it had been to convert all my troops from their state of Agnosticism (an Excel Spreadsheet  to True Followers (of the cult of the OPAC). I put them all On Report, but I fear I have created rather a lot of work for myself.

Oh - and did I mention that I had a visit from the Messiah? (no - not Handel's one that sings about liking sheep) I told him that he'd spelled it wrong, but he insisted his name was Massiah. Just think: one indefinite article away from spiritual domination of The Universe, instead of which, he's Just a Naughty Boy. Better luck next week eh?