A hopeless passion...or is it?

This is NOT the 3-legged accordionist - it is his brother

Meanwhile back in Pigalle, the three-legged accordionist had picked himself up and reclaimed his dignity to resume his centuries-old watch on his stool outside the brothel where his love was employed, enchained in servitude by their hunger for survival. She turned tricks for pittance and he maintained vigil for a pious passion. 

The crowds snaked past, some throwing pennies, some hurling abuse, but all oblivious to the true love being demonstrated on the street before their eyes, while inside the paid love which some sought to fend off for a moment, the emptiness of loneliness, as they have for millennia, carried on: the meter ticking, the pennies dropping, tick tock kerchink plop. Love for a sous, ecstasy a Euro or two, pennies for pain that lives inside you.

'Alons-y Alonzo, mon ami' called David Tennant from his distant tenement, 'why not give up and flee this place, and start again with a new refrain?' But the accordionist knew no other way and could only stay, like a true disciple, clinging to a faith, forlorn and fearful.

'I'll toss you for her' sneered the jealous gendarme: 'a toss for a toss-off: fair exchange'. But the accordionist was implacable. Steady and steadfast, he sat on his stool and played a mournful ballad, like the martyrs of old: his expression fixed.

'I have lived for her love, and for her love I will die. This is no passing coquetry'

Gin-soaked rides again. Featuring Hobbits, Fondant Fancies and One Direction

picture by Shugmonkey

Meanwhile back in Tesco's, where Colonel Gin-Soaked of the eponymous Gordon's Highlanders Regiment, had recently repaired in search of Fondant Fancies, a sharp-eyed checkout girl had spotted he'd left the regimental colours and had left her post to run after him accompanied by several Community Policemen. Her actions had fortunately resulted in stopping him in his tracks before he could shoot down Lee Scorseby's airship thereby saving the day ...for the time being. It took several hours for him to argue his way out of the holding cell but when he did he got wind....of the fact that isis-k had had to dash off to help instruct the Weird Sisters.

Never one to miss out on an adventure, Old Gin-Soaked had rounded up his old regiment and there were now one hundred and twenty Gin-Soaked Gordon's Highlanders heading towards Herne Hill in an attempt to ambush the Evil Empress in her hideout, before she could hijack the new Bond Film. Unfortunately, this number of sozzled soldiers was never going to be able to act with ninja-like subtlety and subterfuge, and they had managed to awaken a whole troupe of extras who had been at an audition for the Hobbit Movie before realizing they'd missed out by a couple of years and were now desperately trying to get roles in a new One Direction biopic. The Highlanders were going easy on the out-of-work actors because - no matter how sozzled they were - they were still gentlemen, so had decided to slow them down by laying a trail of Fondant Fancies (being careful to save some for Ernestina the gargoyle, for whom they had to save some as a peace-offering-cum-bribe if you remember...and I'd not be surprised if you didn't as I lost the plot years ago)

Having thus disctracted their foes, the Highlanders headed for Herne Hill crying Scotland Forever as they went. At this point, isis-k wondered whether she should tell them that Sean Connery no longer played James Bond....

in which Librarians save the world

So this time the Weird Sisters determined to settle down to their homework which - if you remember - was set by Agent Fifi of Hebden Bridge and involved tracking down a genuine Bullshit Detector in order to defeat the Evil Empress of Shepherds Bush who was so supremely-versed in corporate bullshit that she had slid with ease into Elstree Studios and was well on her way to hijacking the latest Bond movie.

The Weird Sisters - Mounitchka and Leilitchka - being relatively young in witch terms (less than three millennia) were still reluctant to knuckle down to good old-fashioned studying, something which drove their mother - isis-k to despair on several occasions, particularly when it led to basic errors in spell-making calculus resulting in - for example - Mounitchka accidentally materializing as Chaka Khan instead of the Aga Khan, and attempting to fight the first Anglo-Afghan war armed with nothing but a damned good backing track and a first-class vocal.

Brunhilde by Ferdinand Leeke

So this time, isis-k got her friends on the case: Agent Bary Brown, first rate warlock of the Librarian School  - who had links via his special technical networks, to all sorts of hidden reserves of knowledge; and Brunhilde the Vegan Walkyrie, who had a way with tattoos which - when handled correctly - could come to life and decipher several layers of bullshit. The only trouble was, Barry and Brunhilde appeared to have got locked in the Spaniards Inn with Dick Turpin somewhere around 1736 and didn't look likely to emerge for several days. They had actually ended up there while at a gig a few hundred years later with another Dandy Highwayman called Adam. Such was the power of Brunhilde's tattoos that they had started working on his songs and transported the pair back to Hampstead mid- 'diddley qua qua'.

As is often the case: mum had to step in and sort out the girls' homework and isis-k found herself having to put Lee Scoresby, Colonel Gin-soaked and their fondant-fancy plan on hold, in order to extricate Barry and Brunhilde from the tavern so that they could track down the bullshit detector which would enable Mounictchka, Leilitchka and Agent Fifi to carry out their daring raid on the Evil Empress's hideout ( a cunningly conceived and devilishly disguised fortress hollowed into the contours of Herne Hill).

Finally, Barry and Brunhilde emerged triumphantly form the eighteenth century with the latest model: a BS-D 17 (aka Dr Johnson's 1755 Dictionary) - proving (if proof were needed) that come the Apocalypse, it will be Librarians who save the world

in which the Weird Sisters encounter Scheherazade, Sherbet Dabs and Civil Wars

Aubrey Beardsley

You may remember we left the Weird Sisters doing their homework, which is never a good thing to watch and unsurprisingly, it wasn't long before Leilitchka - the younger of the sisters by one hundred years or so - started reminiscing about some of her past adventures. One story which she had later recounted to Scheherazade (who used it to great effect in one of her books) involved rescuing Iseult, who was trapped behind Fascist lines during the Spanish Civil War. She had joined some Irish Volunteers thinking she'd be helping old ladies cross roads and - at a push - darn a few socks, but had been somewhat shocked to find what it actually involved, having accidentally arrived in town via a portal from the eleventh Century while working on a few love potions with her mother.


Leilitchka had armed herself with some Sherbet Dabs and a Beretta, the latter being loaded with Chewits. Unfortunately (there always seems to be a hitch when the Weird Sisters get involved in rescue missions), the girls had got distracted by a rapper from Belgium who - in a fit of poetic pique - had stolen all the wrappers from the chewy sweets. Now you all know that one of the first rules of artillery is to 'keep your powder dry', but this is obviously tricky when a rapper's stolen the wrappers. So when the Weird Sisters went into battle, they found - somewhat inevitably - that the damp Chewits got stuck in the mechanism, which consequently jammed, so not a shot could be fired. The Sherbet Dabs proved useless in the situation too, so they had to call for help from their old friend and mentor Janka the One-eyed Wonder, Queen and most beautiful of the Bulgarian witches who was honoured to be asked to aid an Irish princess.

Janka flew in with her trusted cat Salem, who had been a shape-shifting salamander working for a giant rat called Putin (poisoning a speciality), before Janka had rescued him, and had had a spell as a lighthouse keeper, so was accustomed to keeping a beady eye and knew all the ins and outs of Health & Safety, a subject upon witches are notoriously lax. The pair set up a diversion in the form of a few conjuring tricks which produced visions of lusty ladies in luxury lingerie, while the Weird Sisters, sneaked in, grabbed Isuelt and whisked her away hidden inside an empty box labelled 'free porn', whose contents they had previously emptied from a height of about thirty feet (just enough to provide a double diversion).

Obviously owing to issues of National Security, the whole incident was covered up by the authorities, so this is very likely the first time you will have read about it. Now Leilitchka - back to your homework!

In which the Weird Sisters discover Corporate Bullshit

Agent Fifi of Hebden Bridge in her favourite belly dance costume which had been tantalizing turtles and a few unwary males for several centuries (well - the costume wasn't doing the tantalizing by itself obviously - her fancy moves had had them gasping in awe for more than a hundred years). Here appearance from the bubbling sea - in a unconscious parody of Botticelli's Birth of Venus had the Weird Sisters confused:

'Where's 00Sparkle?' Mounitchka wailed

'Well that's charming!' responded the luscious agent Fifi 'I make a fabulous entry and all you can do is complain you were expecting someone else' 

Fifi knew how they felt however having once had to work in a undercover theatre box-office when Sarah Bernhardt had failed to turn up following an unfortunate incident with a corgi (of the canine, rather than plumbing variety) and a tray of oranges. '00Sparkle is busy with the new season of Strictly where she has been taken on as adviser for Brucie's wigs in case any of the other contestants need to borrow them. I can assure you I have loads of experience and am more than capable of taking on ...what was it? This Evil Empress of Shepherds Bush? I can defeat her in seconds with a few well practised sashays and the odd shimmy..............plus some black magic and an old Kalashnikov I was given by Alexander the Great: don't ask, it's a long story'

This confused the Weird Sisters who had often fallen asleep in History lessons and were completely unaware of what she was talking about, but they accepted her help and briefed her on the problem: catching up with the Evil Empress before she hijacked the latest Bond film which was about to go into production.

Of course the real problem with the Evil Empress was that she looked totally normal on the outside. it wasn't until she started spouting stuff like:

Our cultural levers 24/7 influence a relevant philosophy. Our multi-source, immersive and new empowerments drive non-deterministic brand images, whilst the community whiteboards a tactical, high-performing, go-to-market and omni-channel visual thinking. The senior support staff promotes our improved, diversifying, engagement within the industry. The standard-setters take a bite out of the best-of-breed performances; nevertheless the project manager drives the competent and/or non-standard measure.*

that she gave the game away, so what was needed in tracking her down was a first class bullshit-detector. Unfortunately Spies-R-Us don't stock them and the local Library had lent all its copies to a local convent whose nuns were doing the rounds of various nightclubs.

So the Weird Sisters had to get out all their old revision texts and settle down to some good old fashioned homework under the watchful eye of Agent Fifi.....

*this paragraph has been compiled with the aid of the Corporate Bullshit Generator. Useless in all situations:

http://cbsg.sourceforge.net/cgi-bin/live

I thank you

Strictly Sparkly (or the importance of finishing your education before casting nasturtiums and spells)

and during all this, what had - you may ask (if you are still awake) - become of the Weird Sisters. Good sense dictates that they should have been studying for their Advanced Transmogrification Diplomas: Leilitchka still had stability issues which had caused serious problems when for example, disguised as a Bluebird, she had sneaked into Taras Bulba's camp to rescue several members of the Militant Mermaid Militia, but the potion she had mixed was not of the correct  strength and just as she flew out, she started turning back into a Weird Sister. The incident had left her with a scar on her right temple and a sense of wounded pride and goes to show the importance - even at a couple of centuries old (she was still young) - of finishing your education.

Anyway. Leilitchka and her older sister Mounitchka were holed up in the Bermuda Triangle where Barry Manilow's nose was still proving hazardous to shipping, trying to prevent the Evil Empress from hijacking the
latest Bond movie on its way to Shepperton. In doing this, they were attempting to summon the spirit of

Agent 00Sparkle, who was proving hard to track down, as she was busy watching re-runs of Strictly Come Dancing. They had decided to go for the failsafe method of holding a Mirror up to Nature...well I say failsafe, but it is in fact extremely hazardous and once you open those portals, all Hell can break loose (quite literally ...and I mean literally literally, not 'literally'...ok - glad we got that sorted).

So they had made a mirror from seaweed and the odd discarded fish-bone and were pointing it towards the sky and singing a selection of Sambas (Sparkle's specialty in the Latin Ballroom section) and eagerly anticipating a grand entrance from Sparkle herself, when to their horror, the sea started bubbling and gurgling and making generally discordant noises and who was to appear but........

Colonel Gin-soaked rides again (with near-disastrous consequences)

isis-k, D'artagnan and Colonel Gin-soaked nipped into Tesco's for  supplies and loaded the balloon (they decided hot-air balloons were less likely to attract unwanted attention from the likes of Captain Grimp the Grouse-hunter who, being notoriously short-sighted, was wont to be found taking pot-shots at witches on their broomsticks because he couldn't actually tell the difference between them and Grouse). Unfortunately there were no BOGOF deals going on Gin-soaked's favourite brand, so they had to nip in to Lidl which slowed them down a tad, but they daren't set of on an adventure such as this unprepared.

pic by Shugmonkey

Up up and away they went, despite the strong gusts of wind blowing from various fringe parties all over Europe and they appeared to be making excellent headway until disaster very nearly struck. Unfortunately, D'artagnan, being a rather dashing sort of chap, had attracted many stalkers over the centuries, largely owing to his portrayal by a certain Alexandre Dumas, whose works kept being turned into films and TV series. Apparently one such stalker had spotted him leaving Lidl's with isis-k and Gin-soaked in tow and hired Texan aeronaut Lee Scoresby (always up for an adventure) to follow. 

Scoresby was an honest chap, but deceived by this stalker, had set off in hot pursuit and was in fact about to open fire in isis-k and her crew. Colonel Gin-soaked of the eponymous Gordon's Highland Regiment,was the worse for wear (permanently) having been knocked off his horse during the Second Afghan War (well obviously it wasn't HIS horse as it wasn't that sort of regiment, but he had managed to borrow one from a medical friend owing to persistent Gout in his legs owing to the Gin consumption).

However, despite all his failings, Gin-soaked could not forget his training and had been on the lookout for snipers ever since they'd come out of Tesco's. He loaded his catapult and was aiming it at Scoresby's airship just as his would-be nemesis was about to open fire. isis-k looked up in horror, realizing that if she didn't act quickly, both balloons were likely to be engulfed in flames. Quick as a flash she opened her bag and got out the Gin still (though she didn't like to this early in the day) and used it to distill the air, thereby stopping everything in its tracks so she could invite both potentially warring parties to sit down at table (which she produced from a rather large pocket in her gown) and discuss their grievances. Such is the way of womanly witches. So Scoresby was soothed by words (and just one or two of the Fondant Fancies they were planning to give to Ernestina) and they joined forces and continued onwards towards England......