The Iron Lady vs the Iron Duke (oh the irony)

Mainly quiet on the Western Front recently and I have had time to engage in joint manoevres with other regiments around the square. This proved fascinating as we had a secret rendez-vous with a top international crime -fighter who brought us tales of major book thieves (and none of them - despite what Markus Zusak would have you believe) called Liesel. Having been informed that plates that had been surreptitiously removed from rare books are probably financing international drug deals by now, most of us were somewhat shaken out of our cozy complacency and vowed to set up an undercover 'sting' involving Gin (supplied my my good friend General Gordon Gin-soaked of the eponymous Highland Regiment), Marzipan and a few AK47s (supplier confidential).

I returned to the barracks feeling suitable steeled-up, only to face a delegation from the Household Cavalry led by a female general (no doubt related to the recently deceased Iron Lady) with a voice like a screech-owl who proved to be on her metal  - much to my dismay. Said general insisted that the book trolley was unsightly and clashed with the luridly floral sofas near the fireplace and therefore had to be removed immediately. I informed her (borrowing some Iron from Sartre's Soul) that if she wanted to provide me with a bookcase with shelves tall enough to display several folio-sized tomes, I would be happy to removed said 'unsightly' trolley. This battle, I feel, will raise temperatures higher than the average blast furnace (though - partly thanks to aforementioned Iron Lady, you won't find too many of those around these parts). But beware Iron Ladies: I have the Iron Duke himself on my side. Let battle commence.

In which our brave Librarian enlists volunteer hoodies

http://www.napkinfoldingguide.com/03-birdofparadise/

So it's been a busy week in the barracks. The Catering Corps had another of their shindigs and built a barricade out of newly upholstered settees to prevent my usual attempts to sabotage their operations. On this occasion, I tried a new tactic: stealing the napkins and creating a scale model of Valhalla, but sadly this did not work as their guests were totally unaware of the cultural reference and assumed it was the Pompidou Centre, which they demolished with a relish I found frankly distasteful and then used said napkins to clean up the marmalade a careless waitress had spilled.

On a far more positive note: a retired general has offered support to the regiment in the form of a shiny new bookcase. This was excellent news and involved much excitement among junior members of the regiment (particularly those who - like me - had not spotted it was 'repro'). Let's hope some of the traditionalists don't
demand its removal at a later date! Sadly, in my eagerness to find a home for said shelter for troops of wandering books, I broke the Turkish general's tape-measure and - despite my offer of a two unused locks, complete with keys in compensation - he has not yet been pacified (I suspect his ulterior motive is that he quite fancied the bookcase for his office, but no matter).

Naturally installing said new piece of regimental artillery involved my having to move 1,000-odd soldiers (who for the sake of simplicity, I shall call Books) in order for the whole thing to work correctly, and this knowledge necessitated my having to come up with a strategy for the battle ahead. Having persuaded various members of the Household Cavalry (aka the Maintenance Team) to do the heavy lifting (despite the - by now - expected complaints from the Kosovan Hobbit), I managed to enlist a temporary worker (known to some as Offspring #Two) with the promised of a wage infinitely higher than that she would earn on Workfare. Only problem with this cunning plan was that she turned up in her Regimental Uniform (Jeans, Trainers and Hoody) which violated every regulation in the building and I had to sneak her in via the back entrance with a blanket over her head to avoid the Dress-code Klaxon going off. Anyway All's Well that Ends Well and I will report back next week as to whether any more outrages in the name of taste and decency  have taken place. Fingers crossed and toodle pip.