Fifth Columns, Warplanes and Internet Pornography: the Real War starts

Well chaps - it looks like things are about to get serious: the Phony War is over and the Real War starts. The previous skirmishes have a been a mere picnic. Which - come to think of it - may explain why the Catering Corps' weapon of choice thus far has been elderly diners armed with American Express cards. Now they are playing dirty (in fact as I write, they appear to have recruited a primate to distract me with Adam and the Ant videos). I will stand firm: the battle must be fought - and will be won.

So I am not sure who they are teaming up with now: is it the Library Mice who are angry that I have destroyed two of their leaders with the power of Poison and a pair of Marigold gloves? Or is that Kaiser Friederich Wilhlem von Bog-Brush not - as we had been led to believe - a kosher member of our Volunteer Resistance movement? Is he using his brilliant encryption skills to double cross us? Might that explain why at least three recently purchased volumes of World War One memoirs have mysteriously vanished without being signed out in the Loans Book (and no - before you ask - there are no computers in the library. The CO doesn't want young recruits to be tempted online by the siren lure of naked swords and bloody women... or was it?.....anyway, I'm sure you catch my drift)

What - you may well ask - has led me to come to this pass? Well: this week - as has been my habit of late - I was searching through the deepest darkest recesses of my Luxury Office Suite (aka the Broom-Cupboard, which may - or may not - be destined to be turned into a toilet for disabled veterans) and what did I find? Only a series of around thirty original blueprints for war-planes. I telephoned the most senior officer I could find, but he was unable to fathom out who the infiltrator might be. I may well have to resort to bringing in the RAF Museum, although a volunteer member of the Flying Corps has already expressed a keen interest. Come to think of it: have his credentials been thoroughly checked? Could he be our Fifth Columnist? In the words of that dashing young Fox Mulder Chappie: 'Trust No One'. The battle for the soul of the Library continues and the Librarian lives to Die Another Day.