In which our librarian finds herself propositioned by Rowley Birkin QC

Had a lucky escape this week at the old Naval barracks: A team of carpetbaggers had been scheduled to move in to re-arrange my carefully deployed troops, but I managed to fend them off by pelting them with ammo in the form of stale muffins left over from a wedding banquet the previous week (must remind Chef to clear up after hiring out my library for nuptial celebrations in future)

All this was not enough to stop me from completing my epic task of registering all troops in the OPAC (catalogue - to the uninitiated). It's been a struggle, but I can proudly announce that all recruits are now present and correct and ready for inspection. Huzzah!

And talking of My Struggle: Hitler's tome, having escaped from the broom cupboard last week, has been looking for trouble, so I placed him on a shelf next to the Palestine Commission Report and told the two of them not to argue behind my back and asked T E Lawrence's Seven Pillars of Wisdom to keep an eye on the pair of them. Not sure how well this will work as Lawrence tends to follow his own agenda and has in fact - to my annoyance - announced his retirement from acting only this week. Personally I preferred him in The Ruling Class, but there you go. I consoled myself with a Folio atlas from the 1860s which I'm hoping to flog for a vast profit if I can find a suitable buyer.

Meanwhile in the Indies, a chap called Billy Hogarth has been occupying much of my time, as I have been given the task of cataloguing his etchings, and a frankly disreputable bunch they are too, but what can you expect from a chap who hung out such such low-lifes as young Jack Sheppard who - incidentally is a good friend of mine and I think you should investigate his website:

picture  copyright www.shugmonkey.com

Several volumes have returned from the binders with a warning that they are not to be displayed lying down with their pages open unless propped up by pillows - a warning which seems to have gone down well with the company Chairman who promises not to display himself in public unless so positioned.

Poor old Colonel Gin-Soaked has had his nose well and truly put out of joint this week by Lothario, who spent a good deal of time telling me his life story and assuring me that should my good husband ever prove deficient in any sense, he would be more than happy to fill any situations that became vacant...that is if he can fit it in between his global business engagements and four ex-wives. Couldn't help but be reminded of this chap: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Cwyq3XWeHE

Toodle-pip

In which our unfortunate librarian is surprised in her boudoir by a naked chef

chef wasn't actually naked - but neither is Jamie

Damnit that Catering Corps will try anything to limit my operational capacities. Following last week's successful attempt to sabotage my artillery and substitute it with a dodgy laptop, they discovered my secret hideout this week. Chef himself surprised me in my luxury-office-suite-aka-broom-cupboard-which-will-now-definitely-not-be-converted-into-a-disabled-loo, while I was mid-cataloguing manoeuvres; and attempted to scupper them by asking me out on a date. I will not tolerate this sort of insurrection in the kitchen and am thinking of retaliating by leaving a pair of trainers in the fridge and socks in the microwave.




Meanwhile in the East Indies, inventorising activities are continuing apace, despite the best efforts of Colonel Gin-soaked (of the eponymous Gordon's Highland Regiment). Bless the old dodderer - he was trying to help, but he kept falling over chairs and dropping newspapers, so I had to anaesthetise him with his favourite tipple and put him to bed in the Smoking Room (which naturally is a non-smoking room these days thanks to Navy regulations).

And while all this was happening, the Company Chairman - newly appointed and by his own admission crazed with his new responsibilities - decided to send a deputation of natives claiming to be long-lost relatives. Fortunately, they weren't determined to offer me the chance to share in their grandfather's will or participate in any of their enterprising share-schemes, but I did manage to photograph one of them and shall use it as evidence if it all turns nasty.