Chapter 14 Becalmed in the Straits of Jacket with the Djin of Gordon’s
‘Well’ exclaimed Cap’n Jack Sparrow ‘Morocco to Bermuda, straight line – piece of piss. Lets have a drink.’
‘Idiot!’ Mahareshtra hissed. ‘You can’t even remember the last time you could walk in a straight line, let alone sail. I’m in charge of navigation remember. Now get away from that steering wheel’.
‘Look – it’s my bloody boat’ he retorted. But he didn’t stand a chance against the adolescent witch: she reached into the pocket of her jacket, pulled out a lark’s tongue and flung it at him before he had a chance to duck. He was floored as surely as if he’d drunk a whole crate of rum.
The shadow ship piloted by the feline duo Gandhi and Salem-the-former-salamander, had separated from us at dawn and was making its way in a parallel path to us but some 10 degrees north (no – I haven’t a clue whether that’s navigationally correct either, but let’s just say we were plotting a triangular course towards Bermuda – that’s the last thing the Manilow nose would be expecting).
‘I can’t help thinking’ I mused, almost to myself, ‘that the sea is particularly – almost eerily calm. Are we actually moving at all?’
‘Well I would’ve warned you about that’ replied a peeved Jack Sparrow, ‘But that bloody daughter of yours took charge. Either we’re becalmed in the infamous Straits of Jacket, or ………..’
‘No’ Janka gasped, looking pale. ‘It’s worse than that. Somehow the Evil Empress has harnessed the power of the Djin of Gordon’s – you know the one they used to call the Queen Mother. She’s turning the sea into tonic Water and sucking it up through a straw. We’re being pulled towards the Evil Empress’s ship.’
Jack started running up and down the ship muttering something about looking for his gun – as if that would help
‘I’ll blow the bugger to kingdom come’ he shouted ‘ just watch me!’
‘Don’t be a fool’ Velma interrupted, gently laying her hand on his arm. ‘Where do you think she came from in the first place? We’ve got to harness all our energies and summon up Scylla Black the Rock star and her cousin Charybdis the manufacturer of Jacuzzis. I know they usually hang out in Greek Street, but I’m sure they’ll come to our aid against the Turkish upstart’. So we let Jack take over the steering for a while and gathered in a circle to start our incantations:
‘Silver’d in Keith Moon’s eclipse
Nose of Turk and Fish and Chips
Finger of a Sugababe
Pitchfork of a Swedish crab’
The sea started to bubble around as and great clouds of steam rose, making the ship feel like one huge sauna (so much for Swedish crabs).
‘Hold on tight everyone’ I shouted ‘This is going to be a bumpy ride’………..
Chapter 15 – Never mind the Likely Lads, Whatever Happened to the Weird Sisters?
So let us, for a moment leave myself (isis-k) Violet Velma, Janka the One-eyed Wonder and Captain Jack Sparrow on board the ship in the sea of outrageous fortune bubbling away as they try to summon up Scylla Black and Charybdis in their attempt to fend off the Evil Empress and the Queen Mother. And let’s catch up with Leilitchka, younger of the Weird Sisters (by some 200 years).
Leilitchka – if you remember – had come a cropper on the Russian Steppes. She’d been traveling there on holiday with some Marauding Magyar musicians she’d met some years earlier. Unfortunately, they’d spotted Taras Bulba and what was left of his company camped around a fire and thought that – just for a laugh – they’d try to dye his hair pink. So, using her favourite trick of turning herself into a bluebird, she’d flown into the Cossack camp with a bottle of Crazy-Colour.
Sadly, as always seems to happen with young Leilitchka, her spell had started to unravel and she ended up re-materialising as herself, at the head of Bulba’s bed armed with nothing but said hair-dye. This didn’t go down well with a man so steeped in aggression, he’d rather see both his sons die slowly than be seen looking just a tad gay, so he kidnapped the Weird Sister, locked her in a cage and was demanding the heads of several Janissaries as ransom.
My husband – the sorcerer Man2, the Shugmonkey and the odd battalion of Janissaries were supposed to be meeting us in Casablanca but had – if you remember – stopped off in Primark for new uniforms. So - things were looking bleak for my younger daughter, who never liked sitting about for too long. She kept offering to teach the Cossacks football, but they said only if they could use the heads of their enemies as balls, so she went off the idea.
Her musical Magyar friends however, were not about to give up: they had plenty of shiny fake-gold coins, some temporary tattoos, a cimbalom and a milk churn, not to mention several of Leilitchka’s magic potions. So they decided to disguise themselves as a troupe of tribal belly dancers and enter the camp.
Well – as you can imagine – they were going down a storm until one of Bulba’s comrades in arms took a fancy to Leilitchka’s beau Tomasz, who looked absolutely stunning in drag. The Cossack was chasing Tomasz all around the camp in a scene that wouldn’t look out of place in a Carry-on film, much to everyone’s amusement – except young Leilitchka of course. She knew she had to act fast……….
